Its time to talk about Mental Health & Illness

Honestly, it's something that nearly everyone experiances but it's barely talked about. Yes we have the lets talk day created by Bell but honestly what other form of recognition is there? There is so much about anxiety and depression that is talked about what what about the other illness that people suffer with on a daily basis ? For example Epilepsy, did you know there is actually an epilepsy day, we call it Purple day and its is March 26th which is wear people wear purple in order to raise awareness for Epilepsy, I am fully in support of this, but there is also an International Epilepsy day which is February 12th. Since becoming epileptic I have found out about these days, but honestly before I was completely unaware of how this illness actually affects people. Thats why I am making it my mission to change that, I want to make everyone aware about Epilepsy and show people it is not something to be ashamed of, and that it doesn't stop you from achieving things in life. I want to give others the confidence to speak out and advocate for themselves. I'm hoping by actually addressing the issue's that I face on a daily basis that maybe it will encourage others to step forward and share their stories.

Well here I go....

Lets rewind to the beginning of December last year, I was for some reason I wasn't feeling good, but the feeling got worse, I think I maybe drifted off to sleep but then again I'm not sure, I had this well hallucination/daydream but not a good one, that well a spider was in my throat, because I could feel something in there. Just a little information I am terrified of spiders. Anyway I was convinced I had swallowed one and it was trying to climb up my throat, I was actually texting with one of my girlfriends while this was happening because I was completely freaking out in the middle of the night, she had to keep texting me to tell me it wasn't real, but I couldn't accept it. This went on until my friend fell asleep, I did not sleep that night thats for sure, I was drinking hot drinks to try and get rid of that awful feeling, being sick I just wanted what ever was in my throat out. So I had barely slept and I headed into work anyway even though I really shouldn't have gone into work I did because I was committed to my job. Lets say work didn't make it better, I was very sick at work and had to drive back to my parents, because I needed to go to the emergency clinic, because I still felt like there was a spider in my throat, then on the drive the spider feeling turned into this ball that I could actually move up and down in my throat. I go to my parents, and they rushed me to the clinic because I was completely out of it, and I still had that awful feeling like I could feel like legs at the back of my throat, so I go to the doctors and was diagnosed with a very very nasty throat infection, they gave me very strong antibiotics, to help me get better. (Looking back the hallucinations should have been a sign of that was yet to come.)

Anyways I started to get better, but I was starting to freak out about my job because I played a pretty important role there, the morning I was meant to return to work, I was in the kitchen with my family and I was buttering bread and this image just flashed into my mind, and it frightened the hell out of me, like I started to cry and begged my stepdad to take me back to the doctors because something was really really wrong, so off again we went to the emergency clinic, and there I was diagnosed with depression and serve anxiety, so I was given medication to help me calm down and deal with my depression. Lets just say the images kept coming and because I am lucky enough to have the most amazing mum, she was able to figure out what I was suffering from, I have an OCD, but without the compulsion, its called Pure-O, meaning pure obsession, here is a link to explain it better than I can (www.ocduk.org/pure-o ) copy and past it and well have a look, basically its your brain having what I call a brain burp and showing you the opposite of how you feel. Its really not fun suffer with. But with the support and love from my family I am able to deal with it even to this day it still happens but I have just learnt to ignore it because its not how I feel. So I was starting to feel better so I tried to go back to work with my depression and anxiety medication, I started to do half days because my doctor didn't want me pushing myself to far because she had linked everything together and because of the stress I was suffering that I had got so run down that my body was not functioning and I wasn't looking after myself so thats why I was so sick with the throat virus. So after a week or so of just trying to work part time because I was still sick she signed me off completely to try and give me time to recover.

So that brought us to the 3 week of December just before Christmas, and so Christmas Eve arrived and I spent the whole day with my family laughing eating wonderful food and opening our presents, I remember dancing around the kitchen and telling my mum I was going to the bathroom. That's where my memory goes blank. So my mum is starting to wonder where I am so this is like 20 minutes later, and she finds me in the bathroom, washing my hands but only one hand is like moving and she couldn't get me to respond or answer her. She managed to get me out of the bathroom and into the living room, where she got me to lay down, and called for my stepdad and they called the ambulance, from what I understand I went into a Grand Mal seizure was completely unconcisous through all of this, for those how are not familiar with a Gran Mal seizure, its were your whole body is jerking uncontrollably and the person is unconscious I went blue, lost a heart beat. When the ambulance arrived they had to give me CPR and Shock me, after this I woke up to my mum trying to get into the ambulance with me but she had to follow the ambulance to St Eustache hospital, I don't remember the ride to the hospital so I can only assume I had another seizure on the way to the hospital.

I woke up in a hospital bed with IV's in my arm and my mum sitting by my bedside. The doctors did not know what was wrong with me, I wanted to go home but they wouldn't let me, I was under 24 hour observation because of the unexplained seizure. My mum was a complete trooper through all of this, thankfully she had brought my phone with her so I could at least talk to someone when she had to go back home because the doctors wanted me to sleep. So I woke up on Christmas Day in hospital, and my boo (Viola) who I had spoken to the night before, drove all the way from her house to see me in hospital on Christmas day, and brought me my favourite drink a Chai Latte with soya milk. I honestly couldn't ask for such an amazing friend, I will never forget that she did that for me. To me that is true friendship and I would have done exactly the same thing for her. In the end I was like you have to go spend some of today with your family and I will call you as soon as I'm released from hospital.

Lots of scans (brain scans are not that much fun) and tests later they let me out of hospital, to this day I feel pretty guilty about ruining Christmas for all the people I love. Anyways the Doctors told my mum I needed to be under supervision because they still didn't have an answer to what was wrong with me, and I was booked in for so many more tests, so new years eve was coming round and my gorgeous friend Viola decided she was going to spend news with me even though I couldn't go out or anything and she even let me stay at her house the night before because she had to work, she completely took care of me and so did her mum. Honestly I still can't believe how blessed I am to have such amazing people in my life.

Fast forward through January, I honestly barely remember any of January including my birthday, but I had driven up to my families house in Sutton because I needed a break, once again my memory goes blank as to what happened next, I can only go from what I have been told by my mum, I was at the house alone with my dog, my mum was down at our store which is like 5/6 minute drive away from our house. So I called my mum and told her that one of my hands was moving and I could not stop it, she told me to lay down on the sofa thing we have in the front room and that she would be home soon, by the time she reached the house 5 minutes later I was already gone, my dog Lola had actually got on my chest to protect me, she was not going to let anyone touch me, So my mum apparently tried to move her and well Lola apparently was not having it she was growling and barking at my mum (she never does this) she wanted me to be left alone I guess she could sense what was going on when I look back. So my mum eventually got Lola off me and shut her in another room but she still continued to go crazy, my mum was able to get the paramedic across the street to come over because I started to seize and then lost my heart beat again and went blue. Once again the ambulance was called and I woke up in Cowansville hospital and was told I was epileptic, let me tell you I was not having that, I straight up told the Doctor I was not epileptic and that my neurologist would be hearing about this. In the end I had to come to terms with the truth, that even though I was told I wasn't I actually was, after that my mum told me that the doctor had gone to town on the paramedics for giving me CPR and shocking me, because you don't do that when someone is epileptic. So I was prescribed medication to take everyday, I'm not going to be fuzzy about the subject it was pretty hard to come to terms with. Then I started to have some side affects from the medication I was taking for my epilepsy, I started to become crazy emotional, I could switch from one emotion to other within seconds. Then we started to notice my temper was becoming shorter and shorter and I would go into these complete emotional loop that I couldn't escape until it was over. So I was completely unstable on this medication, and maybe a few weeks later I had a partial seizure at my home because my meds were not strong enough, so I had to see another neurologist to try and come off of my current medication and move on to another one, it was pretty much impossible for me to come off of the first one and now I take the original and the new medication, it seems to be working for now but I do really want to come off my original med because it really does not suit me at all. I spent months trying to come to terms with what had happened to me and why, and my emotions were a complete mess and I honestly didn't start making progress until June.

Now I am a lot better and more determined than ever to make a difference and raise awareness about epilepsy and the hardships that people with mental illness face every day, and that its a constant struggle, but the only thing you can do is fight tooth and nail to keep moving forward. And now I'm actually in talks with the foundations for Epilepsy to potentially become a spokesperson/rolemodel to inspire others to change the way they live their lives for the better, just because we are epileptic doesn't mean we should not live our lives to the fullest like everyone else.

I hope sharing my personal story will encourage other to stand up and say I can do this, I will not let this define me.

#epilepsy #depression #rolemodel #aniexty #mystory